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A Free Recipe from J. D. Vance’s “Hillbilly Cookbook”
Making America Gag A lot
Fans of American Nationalist Cooking are taking to J. D. Vance’s new recipe collection “like hogs to slop,” according to the series publisher Stupidity for Idiots. The latest edition features a new preface, “Tips for Tastier Roadkill,” by the recent MAGA convert, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.
Here’s today’s sample, an anti-woke replacement for veggie burgers:
The Impossumble Burger
- Buy a box of Impossible Burgers (tm) and throw away the fake meat inside. Keep the box to convince your liberal dinner guests that the sandwiches are “plant-based.”
- Kill, skin, and filet four possums (“Running over animals several times with a large SUV can help tenderize the meat” — RFK Jr.)
- Remove tell-tale ears, snout, eyes, etc. Use the feet for lucky key chains or give them to the kids to play with.
- Grind the meat in a food processor or shred it with your teeth (if you still have any), shape into patties the size of a MAGA leader’s small palms, and saute in lard until medium-rare. Serve on Texas toast (see the Ted Cruz reference book How to Make Toast).
Variation: The Impossumble Burger a la Trump
After Step 4, douse the burgers with ketchup and throw them against the wall. Suggested beverage: a glass of the tears of illegal immigrants separated from their children.
Next week’s sample features two recipes from the chapter “MAGA Versions of Haitian Cuisine,” Chat-aubriand and Terrier Tartare.
Until then, remember the publisher’s motto: “Don’t be stupid, be a stupid idiot.”
Further satire: “JD Vance ate my dog and Elon Musk ate my cat. Will Trump address this very real issue?” by Rex Huppke
